This Is My Rifle

All of the stress, yelling, hurt feelings and general chaos yesterday was an enormous reminder of what has happened to us in the past three years or so. There just has to be a way to get some peace, some justice and some rest.

My Grandma just called me to say that the tests are in and she has lung cancer. I pleaded with the doctors and nurses in that hospital to please call in a family member before telling her anything. I didn’t want her to be alone. They came in, they told her alone and then told her they needed her to check out by 3pm. Some days it’s hard to see the good in humans. I guess none of that matters, my Grandma has lung cancer. Period.

How much is my family supposed to put up with before I’m allowed to breakdown? I guess some of the things I have said are not kind. I was a different, kinder person before my family was torn down. If it offends you, you have yourself to blame….

It is 3:46am and again there is no sleep for me. I’ve just been laying awake listening to Katie talk in her sleep. I’m really struggling to keep my balance this week with everything. I can tell that my health is really beginning to decline. No sleep, no rest, no peace…

I really love my family and my friends who have also become family. Every joy you have is mine and every heartbreak you suffer is mine as well. I hope we have more of the joy soon.

A  few definitions for you kiddies

INSULT – To  treat with gross insensitivity, insolence, or contemptuous rudeness.

APOLOGY – An acknowledgment expressing regret or asking pardon for a fault or offense.

EXCUSE – An explanation offered to justify or obtain forgiveness.

Note on the above, an apology implies sincerity….

   Today it is a wonderful summer afternoon, Katie has three friends over. I am exhausted and thinking about everything going on and mostly I want to sleep. I should be watching the girls and enjoying time with Katie but I’m having a hard time even focusing on what she is saying to me. This is one of dozens of these instances we have faced over the past few years. I am so fed up. Seriously, in what circumstance can someone think this is acceptable?

Going to watch Patton again and to rest up.

   This has been a difficult few years and we’re still in the thick of it. Great time has been lost, kids have missed out on events we needed to be present for and we have lost a lot. As we come to some sort of closing point, it occurs to me that even at this closure we will not be able to return to where we were. It’s sad really, some things are forever changed, wonderful things. I have for the first time wondered if I can forgive it all, even though that has always been an important thing to me. This has just cost too much and the individuals responsible have done nothing short of proving they couldn’t care less about the effects of their actions. I’m not sure if more therapy, a long vacation or just the freedom away from this situation to love each other will rebuild things.

   As soon as I feel like my balance is coming back, it is ripped out from under me. Since this ordeal began I have had severe mood swings, outbursts and an overwhelming feeling of responsibility to protect. I have tweeted, blogged, screamed out the window in the car and just generally tried to get these feelings out. Recently I realized that these people just do not care. The only people it was hurting was me and my family. So now I’ve gone back to doing what I do best, I feed and love on our battered group. I love them, we have really leaned on each other through this. We are lifelong friends and family really. Don’t get me wrong, we’re a damned mess. The difference is we are not alone. We call each other and drag the other out of their misery and remind them that we are still in this fight. We remind each other that this was caused by someone else and not our own doing.

   I love you all and I thank you for putting up with my emotional outbursts and mouth. This is still going to be a rough road but considering what we have conquered thus far, we will make it together. I will try to keep the outbursts to a minimum but I can’t help the mouth. I think it’s fine to let people have it when they have actions that permit the ass chewing. Here we go…

Never give up, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn. ~Harriet Beecher Stowe~